Category Archives: Science

The 17 Steps of the New Scientific Method

The old scientific method was okay, but let’s face facts: It was naïve, paid literally no attention to popularity or profitability, and tended to breed conspiracy theorists. The new scientific method resolves these inconveniences by adding twelve steps to the original five. Please update your textbooks as follows to reflect this market-based change. (Original steps are indicated in bold.)

1. Formulate a question.

2. Ask your Facebook friends if it’s okay with them if you ask that question.

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How Not to Clean Up Your Email Contacts

I have 897 people in my email contact list. I even know some of them.

Some of my contacts are friends; others are business colleagues or clients. Others are people who may have been important to me at some point for some reason but I’ll be damned if I can tell you why.

Some of my contacts aren’t people at all. They’re mailing list subscription addresses I keep around to prevent their important messages from going to spam so I can personally click “delete” thirty times every morning and throughout the day. Why automate when you can pretend you have some control over your life, right?

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Your Entire Facebook History, Analyzed

“Will, you like to talk about Philosophy, Literature, and Social Media. You are introverted and spiritual. You post statuses to Facebook most often in the morning using Facebook.com.”

So says Social Me, an excellent online tool that reads your entire Facebook history, applies a few mysterious algorithms, and spits out a comprehensive report about your Facebooking habits, cognitive leanings, personality traits, people you interact with, and loads of other interesting revelations. As a writer, I especially liked the way it compares certain facts about my writing style with the general population. Allegedly I use:

  • more words per sentence than 85% of people.
  • more commas than 89% of people.
  • fewer exclamation marks than 89% of people.
  • more dashes in my writing than 85% of people.
  • more quotation marks in my writing than 93% of people.
  • longer words than 93% of people.
  • words with more syllables than 94% of people.
  • fewer concrete words than 87% of people.

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Towards a Better Living Reality Through Language

All human verbal language is mental programming. When you type, write, or speak, you are causing your audience to make a copy of the message in their own minds. Some minds are more open than others to linguistic programming; others have more Byzantine spam blockers, anti-virus scanners, and password-protected firewalls. But those very security measures too are mere languages, just slightly more sophisticated. If you speak those languages and understand their contours, you can navigate or bypass them, write new programs, and rewrite existing programs.

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Heart Spasms

Just had a physical heart spasm. At least I think it was. Don’t nobody panic, it’s over. Yes, I should quit smoking. No, I don’t have health insurance, and no this is not a “wake-up call” for me. OK, yes it is a wake-up call. And maybe I will quit those goddamn cigarettes. But I don’t think those things are all that are bothering my heart.

Love.

Money.

People and their opinions.

My heroes dying and being replaced by humans.

The maddening questions: Am I wrong about this or that? Seriously, am I wrong, when I think and see and say and do things? Am I just making shit up?

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