|Faceboook Lexicon showing the decline of the word “douchebag” in status updates.|
I rest my case. “Douchebag” is dying. There there, my douche. There there. I said it was dying, not dead. We’re all dying. Feel better now?
Long, long ago (Spring 2009) in a social network far, far away (Twitter, click here) I overheard (saw) David Armano (@armano) say (tweet) ENOUGH WITH THE PARENTHETICAL ASIDES ALREADY (okay, okay) the word “douchebag”. Naturally, I engaged him in some stimulating scholarly dialogue about the popular status of the word “douchebag”. Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag. It really is a satisfying, mildly offensive word, isn’t it? Like a nice, milky, hefeweisen drunk by the fake fire, “douchebag” goes down easy.
Heh heh, I said “goes down”.
So David crosses his legs and he says to me:
“Why William! My good man. I daresay. Fucking ‘douchebag’ is all the rage! Is it not what all the children – Jeeves! Get me my bowler! Good man! – is “douchebag” not simply the most amenable utterance among the youth of our day?”
I lowered my monocle and replied:
“My dear friend. David. Davidoff. Can I call you Davidoff? Davidoff. Davidhoffen. Meister. I shall call you Davidhoffenmeister. Davidhoffenmeister? Davidhoffenmeister. I daresay ‘Douchebag’ has been in decline for nigh on some goodly time, now, I would imagine. Why, upon my word, at my last high society function in a shithole basement apartment in Alphabet City, I heard the word ‘douchebag’ on eleven, perhaps twelve different occasions, not counting the use of the ‘douchebag automatic.'”
Davidhoffenmeister cleared his throat:
“‘Douchebag automatic’, William? Whatever do you mean?”
I was like:
“Douchebag automatic. ‘Tis when your ‘mate’ says ‘douchebag’ three dozen times in the telling of a single droll anecdote.”
And Davidhoffenmeisterweisenheimer was all:
“Oh. Well then. Why do you say, my goodly gentleman from Andover or some shit, that ‘douchebag’ is in decline?”
And I said, like bam:
“Just as an aging star glows brightest in its death throes, or as the Roman Empire rushed headlong into a spectacular fiscal expenditure spree on muskets and F-14 stealth jetpacks during its final moments before the Hitler came in and nuked those douchebags to Timbuktu, ‘douchebag’ is heard everywhere now only in paean to its own demise.”
I showed him a graph. Much like the one you see in this post. Its contents speak for themselves. But I will speak over its contents anyway. It says Facebook users don’t use “douchebag” as often as they used to. It peaked in 2007 and has been in decline ever since. While network television continues its increase of the word “douchebag”, the Facebook elite (all eleventeen million of them) are no longer as tickled by the word.
Davidhoffenmeisterweisenheimenkopf laughed a jolly laugh, took a sip of brandy, said “Fuck that noise, Jeeves, gimme quaaludes”, and said:
“Jolly good show, William! Jolly good, jolly good. I see you have bested me yet again!”
After which, Davidhoffenmeisterweisenheimenkopffleupagus and I headed out for a sporting round of Scottish baseball (such a wee little ball!) and some crumpets and empire building.