Kevin Barrett Eats Babies

If you’ve been following the Kevin Barrett scandal in Wisconsin, you already know that this professor hates America. First he went on a “conservative” radio program and said that there are pink elephants dancing polka on the dark side of the moon. Then he went on Hannity and Colmes to talk about spuds and other nutritious roots and tubers, and oh boy did he lose that debate! Booya! Then Bill O’Reilly pretty much put Barrett in his political grave when he said Barrett belongs “in the Charles River floating down, you know, toward the harbor.”* High five!

But wait. Soon after Fox News rightfully exposed Barrett as a Def Leppard denialist and astutely advised their viewers to shoot Barrett, the University of Wisconsin Provost Patrick Farrell released a statement to the effect of: “I like Kevin Barrett. Kevin Barrett is my best friend. I like his hair, and he is an excellent speller.”**

It was starting to look better for Barrett. And that’s no good for America. So State Representative Steve Nass courageously dashed to the rescue, by rounding up 60 other State Representatives to sign off on a formal demand that said, “Kevin Barrett is a poopy butt. Fire him and give him a ‘nuggie’ or a ‘snakebite’ or at least a round of ‘Ten Pops’. And this has nothing to do with a perfect excuse to cut state funding for higher education, which has never in the past been our goal. Oh, and more pop machines for the hallways. Me for Class President!”**

Now, you would think this would be enough to wake people up to the reality of Kevin Barrett and his smelly patchouli. But no. He still has a job, there have been no schoolyard pranks of any kind, poor people are still getting smarter, and the pop machines are still being unfairly terrorized by a box full of NutriGrain bars. On the bright side, Mark Green might become class president.***

In the ancient words of Eminem, This motherfucker won’t die. Go to sleep, bitch! Die, motherfucker, die! Unh! Time’s up, bitch! Close your eyes and go to sleep bitch!*

It ain’t happening. Barrett is alive and well, and he is still loved by all the comic book bad guys, including Lex Luthor and Gargamel. Plus a handful of millions of white-bread American terrorists, according to a recent Zogby poll. This can only mean one thing: Barrett won’t die because he is dead. He’s a zombie, man! Or at least a vampire and a pagan both rolled up into one. And we all know what pagans do.

Kevin Barrett eats babies.

Oh, plus he’s some kind of 9/11 “denialist” or something.

* Actual quotes.

** Not actual quotes. I know, it’s hard to tell the difference.

*** Incidentally, U.S. Representative from Green Bay of the Not-Green-Party Mark Green is running for governor on a platform that favors a triple-threat playground prank of nuggies, snakebites, and Ten Pops. He also favors having more things that have “Green” in their names or that incorporate the color green, such as dirty money funneled to him by Tom DeLay.****

**** That last part is not a joke.

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