9/11? Never happened.

9/11? Never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Planes? Buildings? People? Quoi? Stop talking funny. Unless you’re talking about the Chilean coup of September 11, 1973, in which the United States C.I.A. apparently did not overthrow the Socialist plurality president Salvador Allende and replace him with genocidal dictator General Augusto Pinochet in a coup d’etat using Britain-manufactured Hawker-Hunter fighter jets to bomb the Presidential Palace, I fail to understand this “9/11” you speak of. You see, I am a 9/11 denialist.

Only this past week did I learn that I am a 9/11 denialist. I have a Wisconsin “conservative” blogger to thank for this revelation. Up until this discovery, I had considered myself more of a, oh, I don’t know, 9/11 researcher, which I define as a terrorist who goes digging around for facts and things. But now I know I’m not. I’m actually a denialist. That’s someone who refuses to acknowledge – oops, I mean admits the dearth of – a given event.

Since I am a denialist, what I really enjoy doing is pretending – oops, I mean admitting – that 9/11 never happened. Burning? Screaming? Death? Snap out of it, my boy! Blithering and blathering about this mystical “9/11” business is not earning you any vacation days from the asylum.

Here is what happened on 9/11: nothing. It was a normal day at the office, m’kay? Get that through your head. Oh, don’t cry. Here, I know what will make you feel better: a trip to the World Trade Center! We’ll go up in the tower, in those big elevators of theirs, the ones that go really fast. Your tummy will feel funny, but not a bad funny. I think that will cheer you up. And then, when we get to the top, we’ll go to the observatory and look out upon the pristine expanses of New York City where nothing ever happened, m’kay? Well, nothing but wonderful concerts on the World Trade Center Plaza. Maybe there will be a jazz band there; we can swing dance!

The weather is beautiful, the government is a peach, the oligopolies put their pants on one leg at a time just like you, there is no such thing as white evil, and there was no 9/11. I know this because I am a 9/11 denialist, and because reverse logic tells me so.

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